Morticom Shop
Enter the weirdest, funniest and most outrageous Shop Here! If You DARE!

11)
What do you call two Irish queers?
Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick!

12)
How can you tell if a kid is half black and half Irish?
He is running down the street with your bike in his arms!

13)
A guy walks into an Irish pub and announces to the barman, "Hey pal, I have some really good Irish jokes to tell you!"
The barman leans over to him and says, "Listen, If I was you I would watch what you say. Both the bouncers are Irish, I'm Irish, in fact everyone in this place is Irish!"
"Oh, that's Okay," replied the guy, "I will talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y!"

14)
"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Paddy as he walked in on one crutch with one arm in a cast.
"I got into an argument with Mick!" replied Paddy.
"Mick? He's just a wee fellow," the barman said, surprised, "He must have had something in his hand!"
"Aye...that he did!" replied Paddy, "A shovel it was!"
"Dear lord.....didn't you have anything in your hand Paddy?" said the barman.
"Aye, that I did, Mick's wife's tits!" Paddy said, "And a beautiful pair they were as well, but not much use in a fight!"

15)
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman all wanted to go hunting so they went to Canada. The Englishman came back with a huge dead bear. Everyone asked how he caught it.
"Well,"the Englishman replied, "I followed the tracks, followed the tracks, followed the tracks, BOOM! I killed the bear!"
Later on the Scotsman returned from hunting carrying a dead Moose. Everyone asked how he managed to catch it.
"Well," replied the Scotsman, "I followed the tracks, followed the tracks, followed the tracks and BOOM! I killed the moose!"
Later on the Irishman returned from hunting, sitting in a wheelchair with two broken legs, a broken arm and scratches all over his body. Everyone asked what happened.
"Well," replied The Irishman, "I followed the tracks, followed the tracks, followed the tracks and BOOM! I got hit by a train!"

16)
Why do Irish council workers have tea breaks that last only five minutes?
Any longer and they would need to be retrained!

17)
What happened to the Irishman who tried to kill himself by swallowing 100 painkillers?
After two he began to feel better!

18)
Paddy saw a newspaper ad for a $10 river cruise. So he went out to the jetty, where he saw a guy with a baseball bat and a coil of rope.
"I'm here for the river cruise!" said Paddy handing the guy $10.
The guy took the money then hit Paddy over the ear with the baseball bat. Next thing Paddy knew, he was floating down the river tied to a log. Then he spotted his friend, Mick, who was also tied to a log and floating downstream.
"Hey Mick!" Paddy yelled, "Do they serve meals on this trip?"
"Well," Mick shouted back, "They didn't last year!"

19)
A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast. Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9:45pm.
"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.
"I know where he lived," the soldier replied, "and he wouldn't have made it!"

20)
When an Irishman couldn't get a dance his friend decided to tell him the truth.
"Look," his friend said, "it's the smell from your socks. Go home and change them and you will have no more trouble!"
Later in the evening the Irishman complained that he still couldn't get a dance.
"Did you change your socks?" his friend asked.
"Of course I did," replied the Irishman pulling them from his pocket.

21)
An Irish electrician was called into the local prison to fix the electric chair. After about 2 hours in there he came out and said, "I'm not fucking touching that thing, it's a fucking death-trap!"

22)
An Irishman was missing for a number of weeks. His wife told the police. The next day the police arrived to say that her husband's body had been found floating in the river.
"That couldn't be him," said the wife, "because he couldn't swim!"

22)
Two Irishmen, Paddy and Mick had been on the piss. When they woke up in the morning the blinds were drawn.
"Is it night or day?" asked Paddy.
"I will go and have a look." replied Mick. He lifted the blind and looked out.
"Well," said Paddy, "Is it night or day?"
"I can't remember!" replied Mick.

23)
Paddy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday in Australia. His mate asked him what it was like.
"Australia's a great place," Paddy replied, "First they take you home and fill you so full of booze that you can't stand up. Then to top it all off, they let you fuck their women whenever you want!"
"Is that right?" said his mate impressed, "I always heard Australians were real pricks!"
"Well," replied Paddy, "only the white ones!"

24)
An Irishman was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the Irishman complained that they didn't produce the desired results.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing with them," replied the Irishman, "shoving them up my arse?"

25)
What do you call an Irish IQ of 120?
A City!

26)
Why don't the Irish become chemists?
Because they can't fit the little bottles in the typewriter!

26)
One fine day there were three Irishmen who were 'shooting up' on heroine, using a needle. The first one passed the needle onto the second one, but he was smart and thought 'Au no, I'm not goin' to take your needle 'cause I might catch AIDS!"
Anyway the needle was passed onto the third Irishmen, who accepted it. The second Irishman looked at him and said, "You sure you want to take this 'ere needle?"
"Au, it's all right," replied the third druggie, "I'm safe 'cause I'm wearing a condom!"

27)
Why don't Irish women use vibrators?
Because it chips their teeth!

28)
An Irishman was ordered from the swimming pool for pissing in the water.
"That's ridiculous!" said the Irishman, "You know that everybody does it!"
"That may be so," replied the lifeguard, "but usually not from the diving board!"

29)
Two Irishmen were sitting at a bar. Mick was looking particularly sad and Patrick asked him what the matter was.
"Well," said Mick, "I knew that my grandfather died in the last war, but I have just found out that he actually died in a concentration camp."
"That's terrible," replied Patrick, "did he go to the gas chamber?"
"No," replied Mick, "He fell out of a machine gun tower!"

30)
There is an Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman, all in primary school. Which one has the biggest dick?
The Irishman, because he is 24 years old!

31)
What do you call an Irishman with a car on his head?
Jack!

32)
Why did god give the Irish potatoes, and the Arabs oil?
He gave the Irish first choice!

33)
Why don't Irish women breast feed their babies?
It hurts too much when they boil their nipples!

34)
Two niggers and an Irishman are walking down the street. The first nigger snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got the rhythm!"
The other nigger snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I have the rhythm!"
The Irishman snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I can't get this snot off my fingers!"

35)
Did you hear about the fire in the Irish library?
Both books got burnt and one of them wasn't even coloured in!

 

Get more information about Ireland culture with ireland vacation packages! View the great sites of Ireland with affordable family Ireland tours. Do you have a golfer in the family? Ireland golf tours will be able to provide you with some of the best golf of your life.

 

36)
Did you hear about the Irishman that went to the toilet?
He wiped the chain and pulled himself!

37)
Did you hear about the Irish tap dancer?
She fell into the sink!

38)
Did you hear about the Irishman that went duck hunting?
He didn't get any because he couldn't throw his dog high enough!

39)
What is green, two miles long and has an arsehole every two feet?
The St. Patrick's day parade!

40)
How do you confuse an Irishman?
Hand him a piece of paper with 'SEE OTHER SIDE' written on both sides!

41)
What's the difference between an Irishman and a computer?
You only have to punch the information into a computer once!

42)
What did the Irishman do before the cockfight?
Greased his zipper!

43)
How can you pick out an Irish pirate?
He is the one with patches on both eyes!

44)
What's the logo for the new Irish tampon?
'We may not be No. 1, but we're still up there!!'

45)
Have you heard that the Irish government have bought 1000 septic tanks?
As soon as they learn to drive them they are going to invade England!

46)
How can you tell who is an Irish peeping Tom?
(Pull out the front of your own trousers and look down!)

47)
Did you hear about the two Irish hunters?
They were driving along when they came up to a sign that said, "BEAR LEFT", so they went home!

48)
Have you heard about the new Irish cocktail?
Perrier and Club Soda!

49)
Why were the Irishmen pushing their house down the road in the middle of winter?
They were trying to jump start the furnace!

50)
How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the door!

51)
An Irishman suspected his wife of infidelity and he began to follow her around. After a few days his suspicions were confirmed. Coming home from work early, he burst into the bedroom, catching his wife straddling another man. Crazed with grief, he put a revolver to his head.
"Don't laugh," screamed the Irishman, "You're next!"

52)
Why did the Irishman spend all night outside the whorehouse?
He was waiting for the red light light to turn green!

53)
Lick the cover of a book of matches, then bend it back so that the matches are exposed and stick the book of matches to your forehead. What do you have?
An Irish miner!

54)
The manager of a prosperous whorehouse in Ireland found that he was short of girls for the evening's entertainment. Thinking quickly, he dashed out and bought several inflatable fuck dolls, thinking that, given his average clientele, no one would know the difference.
Soon he ushered his first customer into the bedroom that housed the new tarts, assuring the customer that he was in for an especially good time.
When the customer came out of the bedroom a while later, the manager was eagerly awaiting him in the foyer. He winked at the fellow and asked, "Well? How did you like her?"
"I don't know," replied the customer, "I bit her tit, she farted and then flew out of the window!"

55)
Two Irishmen went away on a hunting trip, and by accident one of them was shot by the other. The wounded man's friend rushed him out of the woods and straight to hospital.
"Well doc," asked the Irishman, "Is my friend going to make it?"
"It's going to be hard for him to get through this," replied the doctor, "He would have had a better chance if you had not gutted him first!"

56)
Why don't the Irish ever go elephant hunting?
They get too tired carrying the decoys!

57)
Did you hear about the Irishman that had a penis transplant?
His hand rejected it!

58)
A young Irish girl was hitchhiking when a big truck pulled over. The driver was a serious CB addict, and he had a huge CB radio on his dashboard.
"That's the best radio ever made," said the driver, "you can talk to anyone in the world with it!"
"Really," replied the girl, "I would really like to talk to my mother in Ireland!"
"Yeah?" smiled the driver.
"Yes," replied the girl, "I would give anything to talk to my mother in Ireland!"
"Anything?" beamed the driver.
"Anything!" she assured him.
"Well maybe we can work something out then," he said, pulling his hairy cock out of his oily jeans, "grab this then!"
The Irish girl leaned over, grabbed the fully erect penis, put it to her mouth and said, "Hello mum, can you hear me!"

59)
Two Irishmen were out fishing one day, and they had a great time. The fish were grabbing the hooks as fast as they could get their rods into the water. Finally when the boat was full of fish, they both decided that it was time to head for the shore.
"Listen," said Paddy, "Why don't we mark the spot?"
"No problem," replied Mick, who dived in and marked an 'X' with black paint, on the bottom of the boat.
They both beam with pleasure when they eventually get on the shore.
"Oh no!" cried Mick, "What if we don't get the same boat?"

60)
What does an Irish girl do after she sucks cock?
Spit's out the feathers!

61)
An Irishman walks into his local bar and goes straight up to the bartender, who turns away in disgust at the handful of horseshit the Irishman is holding.
"Hey Harry," said the Irishman, "look what I almost stepped in!"

62)
A young Irish guy wanted more than anything to become a police officer, so he went through the rigorous entrance exam, the last question of which was, 'Who killed Christ?'
The Irish guy went home excitedly and said to his wife, "I haven't even started work yet and they are already putting me on a murder case!"

63)
Do you know what the Irish definition is of 'foreplay'?
"Brace yourself Bridget!"

64)
"Dad", said the kid, "can I have five dollars to buy a guinea pig?"
"Here's ten dollars," his father replied, "go and find yourself a nice Irish girl!"

65)
The Italian and the Irish parachutists were arguing about who was best at folding up a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up into the plane and judge by the mid-air performance of their chutes.
The Irishman jumped first, pulled the cord, and started floating gently to earth. The Italian jumped, pulled the cord, and nothing happened. He pulled the safety cord and still nothing happened. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the Irishman, plummeting like a stone.
"Oh!" shouted the Irishman, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race?!"

66)
An Italian, an Irishman and a black man moved out to California to seek their fortunes. The Italian and the black got jobs straight away, but weeks went by without the Irishman finding employment.
Finally, one evening he announced to his roommates that he had a big interview the next morning at nine and , setting the alarm well ahead of time, he went to bed.
In the middle of the night the other two snuck into his room, smeared his face and hands with coal dust and set the alarm forward. When it went off in the morning, the Irishman leapt from his bed, pulled on his clothes, and dashed off so as not to be late for the critical interview.
The interviewer invited him in with an apologetic expression on his face, "I'm sorry to have brought you here for nothing," the interviewer said, "but I'm afraid we simply do not employ blacks!"
"Blacks?" replied the Irishman, "What are you talking about? My name is Paddy Murphy!"
"I'm so sorry Mr. Murphy," the interviewer said, "but we simply do not make any exceptions in our hiring policy."
"But I'm not black!" shouted the Irishman.
"I'm sorry your taking it so hard." Said the interviewer, "You may think your not black, but have you looked in the mirror lately?"
The Irishman got up and went over to the mirror near the door. Staring in disbelief at his undeniably black reflection, he stammered, "Oh my God! They woke up the wrong guy!"

67)
Did you hear about the soccer game between Italy and Ireland?
The Italians all started arguing over who was going to be the striker and they all walked off the field. 85 minutes later The Irish team scored their first goal!

68)
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman planned an expedition across the Sahara, and at the appointed time each showed up with a the baggage critical for his survival.
Motioning to his flask, the Englishman say's, "It's going to be thirsty work crossing this desert and I will need a drop to drink!"
Nodding his approval, the Scotsman points out a box full of Haggis's and say's, "It's going to be hungry work all this walking!"
They both look across at the Irishman, who is carrying nothing but a white drivers door off a car. "It's going to be plenty hot out here, "said the Irishman, "and I want to be able to roll down the window!"

69)
Did you hear about the Irishman who emigrated to Turkey?
He raised the IQ of both countries!

70)
When the Irish woman answered her front door it was only to hear sorry tidings, shouting through the crack of the open door, that her husband had been killed.
"And that's not the worst of it I'm afraid, Ma'am," said the policeman, "He was run over by a steam roller!"
"I'm in my bathrobe," said the new widow, "Could you slip him under the door?"

71)
Two Irishmen and a black worked for a construction company and got into the habit of working together, until the day the black guy fell off a scaffold 100 stories high. When the police got to the scene, there wasn't much left of the black guy, so the officer in charge turned to the two distraught Irishmen and said, "Listen guys. Was there anything distinctive about this man, for identification purposes?"
"No," replied one of the Irishmen, "He was just a normal guy!"
"Hey, wait a minute!" said the other Irishman, "He had two arseholes!"
"Are you bullshitting me?" said the police officer, "How the hell would you know?"
"Because every time we went into the bar around the corner for a beer at the end of our shift, the bartender would shout over 'Here comes that stupid nigger with the two arseholes!"

72)
What do you call three Irishmen sitting on the lawn?
Fertiliser!

73)
An Irishman and a Jew were in a bar watching TV when the late night news came on. The first sensational story was of a berserk woman poised on a window ledge 10 stories high.
"I'll bet you a hundred dollars she won't jump!" said the Irishman.
"You got a bet!" replied the Jew, sticking his hand out moments later when the woman jumped to her death. The Irishman sadly gave the money to the Jew and ordered another drink, only to look up in astonishment as the other fellow tugged on his sleeve and tried to hand the hundred dollars back.
"It's all yours," he protested, "You won the bet fair and square!"
"Nah," replied the Jew, "I saw it all happen on the Six o'clock news."
"I saw it happen on the Six o'clock news as well," said the Irishman, "And I never thought that she would do it again at 11!"

74)
What do you call an Irish homosexual?
Gay-lick!

75)
Why do women slap Irish midgets?
Because they are always telling them how nice their hair smells!

76)
An Irish couple want a black baby more than anything in the world, but all their efforts come to nothing. Finally one day they are walking down the street when they spot a black couple with a beautiful black baby in the pram. So they both walk over, explain their greatest desire, and ask the black couple what their secret is.
"For one thing," said the black father, "You gotta be at least eight inches long!"
"No problem!" replied the Irishman.
"For another," the black guy says, "You have to be at least three and a half inches round!"
"So that's the problem!" replied the Irishman, turning to his wife, "We have been letting too much light in!"

77)
Did you hear about the Irish fox?
It gnawed off three of it's feet before it got free.

78)
What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a gorilla?
A retarded gorilla!

Get more information about Ireland culture with ireland vacation packages! View the great sites of Ireland with affordable family Ireland tours. Do you have a golfer in the family? Ireland golf tours will be able to provide you with some of the best golf of your life.