Morticom hilarious and obscene black jokes

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BLACK JOKES

(48 gags)

1)
What do you call a black wearing a suit?
The accused!

2)
Why do blacks have two holes in their lips?
So that they can see when they are whistling!

3)
What do you get if you cross a Mexican with a black?
A guy who is too lazy to steal!

4)
Why do blacks keep chickens in their back gardens?
So they can teach their children how to walk!

5)
Why are there no black astronauts?
Because they refuse to ride in the back!

6)
What do you call two blacks in a sleeping bag?
A Twix chocolate bar!

7)
Why did God give blacks big dicks?
Because he felt sorry for their hair!

8)
Why are they using blacks instead of laboratory rats in experiments now?
They breed faster and you don't get too attached to them!

9)
Why don't sharks attack blacks?
Because they mistake them for whale shit!

10)
Did you hear about the guy who stuck his hand in a jar full of jelly beans?
The black ones stole his watch!

11)
Why do blacks where baggy jeans?
Because their knee grows!

12)
Why do they bury blacks 100 feet underground?
Because deep down they are nice people!

13)
Why do drunks spew up in the gutter?
So they can give blacks breakfast in bed!

14)
A brick and a black fall off a building, which one hits the ground first?
Who cares!

15)
Why are there not many blacks on the starship enterprise?
Because even in the future most blacks won't work!

16)
Why do seagulls have wings?
To beat the blacks to the rubbish dump!

17)
What is better being born black or homosexual?
Black, because you don't have to tell your parents!

18)
Two black girls are shuffling down the road, when the older one asks the younger one, ".....Honey Child....How old is you?"
The younger girl just shook her head and said sadly, "Don' know fo' sure.....On account of my mama never learns how to count.....but she be reknin' I's either eleven or I's fourteen."
So the older girl says, "Tell me sumptin' baby.....what's the best thang that you ever done had in yo' mouth?"
"Sheeeeh," said the young girl, "That's easy....that be being a big ol' slice o' my Aunt Jessie's Blueberry pie, yes maaaaam!"
The first girl shakes her head, "Child, you is definitely eleven, fer sure!"

19)
A black goes into an unemployment office.
"Can I help you," asks the employment officer.
"I's lookin' for a job" replies the black.
"Oh, I see," says the employment officer. So he looks through his card file, pull out a card and says, "Here's one for you! It's only four hours a day, and four days a week, has full benefits and pays $150,000.00 a year!"
"You gotta be kiddin me!" said the black.
"You started it!" said the employment officer.

20)
A black lady was sitting at the back of the bus, nursing her baby, when a smartarse skinhead got on. He swaggered up to the woman and sneered, "Lady, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen. Yep that little sucker sure is ugly!"
The woman burst into tears, gathered her belongings and jumped off the bus. She was still blubbering when an old drunk leaned over her and slurred, "Lady, I don't know that young fella said to upset you, but if you want to slap his face, I'll hold your monkey for you while you do it!"

21)
What's three feet long and fucks blacks?
A firemen's axe!

22)
Two white guys and a black are in the same jail cell together. One of the whites said he was in for ten years for attempted rape, but thought himself lucky he hadn't actually done the rape as he would have been doing twenty years instead.
The other guy said he was in for fifteen years for attempted murder, but was lucky that his victim lived, or he would be doing life!
The black then said he was in for twenty five years for riding his bike without a light, but reckoned he was lucky he didn't get lynched because he was caught in the daytime!

23)
A black walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender looks up and says, "Where the hell did you get that thing from?"
"The parrot replied, "Over in Africa, There are millions of them over there!"

24)
How do you save a black from drowning?
Take your foot off his head!

25)
A young black kid observed that there seemed to be some advantages to being white, so he went off and painted himself white all over. He went and showed his mother who told him off and was made to show his father.
This he did and his father not only roared at him for being silly, but cuffed him over the ears and sent him on his way.
The boy went on and sat on his favourite log pondering his position and feeling very glum.
His mate came along and asked him what was wrong.
"I have only been a white kid for half an hour," he replied, "and I hate those black bastards already!"

26)
A successful black banker from Louisiana decided to have ago at hang gliding. He went out and bought all the right stuff, took all the right lessons and finally got good enough to go it alone.
The very next weekend he took off into the country, strapped himself in an floated off into the wild blue yonder.
Meanwhile two redneck farmers, Billy Bob and Bubba, had decided to to do a bit of hunting. As they were walking through the woods Billy Bob looked up and said, "Shit, Bubba! That there is the biggest bird I ever did see!"
"Yeah," replied Bubba, "Lets shoot the sucker!"
Both men began blazing their shotguns at the glider, which continued to float gracefully over the trees and out of sight.
"Hell, Billy Bob," spat Bubba, "I believe we scared the hell out of that darn bird!"
"Shit I knows that," replied Billy Bob, "Did you see how fast it dropped that black guy!"

27)
What do you call a black with a wooden leg?
Shit on a stick!

28)
What do you call a black with two wooden legs?
A waste of wood!

29)
In the heaviest part of Harlem, where all the heaviest black dudes live, there is a bar. Only black guys drink there and it's rough.
One Saturday night, a skinny white bloke walks in wearing a T-shirt with 'I hate blacks' written on it. He gets himself a drink and sits down on a stool.
Before long, one of the toughest looking black guys in the place walks over and says, "What's that written on your T-shirt, honky trash?"
"The first thing I hate about blacks," laughs the white guy, "Is that they can't fucking read!"
"What's you saying to me arsehole?" asks the black guy.
"The second thing I hate about blacks is that they ask stupid questions!" replies the white man.
The black begins to get very firesome by this stage and pulls out a knife on the white guy, "See this you fucking honky bastard........" threatens the black guy.
"The third thing I hate about blacks," shouts the white guy reaching into his pocket , "Is that they always bring a knife to a gunfight!"

30)
A woman was waiting on the street corner and she was dying for a fuck. Suddenly this black guy appears and she starts to chat him up. She grabs him by the hand and takes him up to a hotel room, fed him a meal and cleaned him up. She then tore off all her own clothes and lay on the bed saying, "OK, you big black stud, do what you do best!"
So he jumped up, stole her handbag and ran out of the hotel room down the street!

31)
A black dies and goes to heaven and St Peter is pretty impressed to see this black guy. St Peter says, "I am so impressed with you being able to enter the kingdom of heaven that I will send you back down to earth, so that you can spread the word to the other black people! What would you like to be reincarnated as upon your return?"
The black thinks for a minute, "A piece of dog shit!" said the black.
"Why a piece of dogshit?" said St Peter.
"Well," said the black, "You lie around in the sun all day doing nothing and go whiter and whiter and even the cops won't pick you up!"

32)
A black guy was driving his Mercedes when suddenly one of the tyres went flat. While he was changing his flat tyre another black came up behind him and smashed the front window saying, "Right brotha, you take dem tires, I'll take the stereo!"

33)
A black was waiting at the side of the street for a bus when a big rottweiller dog walked up to him and took a shit on the left of him then walked off. A few minutes later a Great Dane came along and took a shit on the right side of him. A few minutes later the bus turned up and the driver opened the door.
"How much to the big city?" said the black.
"That will be $2 for you," said the driver, "And 50 cents each for your two kids!"

34)
There was an Indian, a cowboy and a black sitting around the campfire, sharing a bottle of whisky. The Indian stands up to propose a toast. He says, "Once we were many, now we are few!"
Next the black stands up and says, "Once we were few, now we are many!"
Finally the cowboy stands up and smiling says, "Yeah, but we ain't played cowboys and blacks yet!"

35)
Why do blacks have flat noses?
That's where god put his feet when he was pulling off their tails!

36)
Why don't blacks have cheque books?
They find it too hard to sign their names in spraypaint!

37)
What's the definition of black foreplay?
"Don't scream bitch or I'll kill you!"

38)
Did you hear that KKK bought the movie rights to Roots?
They are going to play it backwards so that it has a happy ending!

39)
What is a blacks favourite antiperspirant?
Unemployment!

40)
Why is aspirin white?
You want it to work for you, don't you?!

41)
How do you shoot a black man?
Aim for the radio!

42)
What's the definition of confusion?
Father's day in Harlem!

43)
What's the definition of reneg?
Shift change at the carwash!

44)
Have you heard of the new perfume for black women?
It's called Eau-de-doo-dah-day!

45)
How do you keep black children from jumping up and down on the bed?
Put Velcro on the ceiling!

46)
An old Southern planter goes into hospital and is informed by the doctor that his condition is pretty serious. In fact, he's going to need a heart transplant.
"Well, doctor," drawled the planter, "You'd best get on with it. But whatever you do, just don't give me the heart of a black!"
When he comes out of anaesthetic, the doctor is leaning over his bedside anxiously. "Cal." the doctor said, "I have some good news and bad news."
"What's the bad news?" asked the planter.
"I had to use a black's heart!" said the doctor, "But he good news is that your dick is three inches longer!"

47)
Why did God give black men such big pricks?
Because he felt guilty about what he had done to their hair!

48)
What's red and black and has wheels?
A freshly whipped black!